Sunday, January 23, 2011

Where from Here?

Hello, again. Here I am, again. Like a crack addict scouring the alleys for her fix, I'm back to this blog.

Although, I never really left. Not even 3 weeks after my big farewell here, I began another blog, under another name. It's not the first time I've done this, and it's all to avoid my extremely nosy sister, Kate. Not that I really care what she's that I have the deep, frightened feeling that she will tell my parents again. Not that I care what my parents think either, but's out of the goodness of my heart this time. What good does it do my poor, overworked mother to know that her troubled daughter is, well, extra-troubled? And how many more gray hairs on my father's head do we have to turn white with worry?

The only thing that brings me back with some level of confidence, is Kate's sweet little farewell message on her blog. The feeling that she is no longer interested in reading up on girls like me. Girls sick in the mind, torn apart with hatred for their own bodies. I'm happy that she's recovered, I really am. I'm just sick of recovered anorexics and bulimics who preach the value of "healthy eating." It's easy for them to talk. They got skinny, they got what they wanted. And they should know just as well how hard it is to give it all up. Yet as soon as they turn away from the mirror, they seem to forget Ana's pale, papery grin. They seem to bury the memories of just how hard it is to ignore that grin. They act as though it's so very easy, to eat without care, to ignore the scale. "If I did it, you can too." They say, their voices dripping with sticky-sweet sensitivity and caring. "I can help you," they offer. "Just eat healthy and exercise. There's no need for this silly starving behavior anymore."

And they act like they still struggle. "Oh, I know it's hard. It's so hard. I still have trouble eating breakfast some days." They wipe a crocodile tear away and smile. The difference between us and them, is that they still do it. They manage to eat without worrying themselves sick over it. The sad fact of the matter is, we just aren't there yet. And they need to understand that. However, I have yet to see a recovering ana who hasn't pissed me off with her failure to understand and her high-and-mighty "I'm cured!" attitude.

For those who wish to read up on what's been happening the past few months, the alter-ego blog (where I took the name Lilly this time) is here: Perfect, Empty, Thin.

I haven't decided whether I want to continue writing here or there. Either way, shoutout to Nikki (Letters from Ana) who has been with me for the past several years now, as a fellow Ana, confidant, and friend. She was the only one to follow my alternate blog since I took leave from this one.

So where from here? I'm not sure yet. I'll see what sort of reaction this post gets. I'll see how far my 5th or 6th relapse (I've lost count now) plays out. Either way, I want everyone to know I have missed you and I think of you all the time.

Stay strong, think thin.


  1. we will receive you with open arms every time you decide to come back. I missed you so much. You have to understand that Kate just wants you to be happy. What she doesn't see is that your perception of happiness is different from hers. I love you very much and i hope that you will achieve everything you want, i know that you will, because even tough it doesn't feel like that, you are a strong, beautiful woman. You have a beautiful soul, a beautiful mind and an almost beautiful body.
    I missed you
    take care

  2. I'm happy your back. I missed reading your blog.


  3. I didn't realize you had another blog...I'm following it now.

  4. you just described those in-your-face-pro-recovery-bitches perfectly. i just commented on your other blog cuz i didn't realize you were back on this one... lol. i missed reading your posts. you're amazing and i love you like a sister. whatever path you ever choose to follow, i'm always here for you.


  5. welcome back. i think the pro recovery girls are just trying to share and convey a little piece of what they have...but it comes across very rich to those who can't see how it's possible. but i agree that it's a little false to write off the struggle entirely because it will never go away i think.

  6. Welcome back.
    You were my first blog, and I was sorry to lose you. Thank you for all of your wisdom. All my good chi is with you <3


  7. I will be following youf blog for sure!
    I completetly understand your point of view. We know deep down inside that you never become a recovering anorexic or recovering bulimic. No matter how small or petite you are, you're never small or petite enough!
    Please keep posting. I can relate.

    Dying to be Thin
    ~love me to death~

  8. Thank you so much for your honesty. It's one of the big reasons I love your writing so much.

  9. I missed you too, darling. I really do hope you keep on posting. And i understand exactly how you feel about not wanting your parents to know because you don't want to upset them. I know mine still read my blog and, dammit, i hate that! I don't want them to know how screwed up my mind is! But please do post and keep us updated. i love you!

  10. I love your posts more than anything! Post more darling!

  11. keep posting! reading your words are very inspiring. Shout out to NikkiThin who commented on how you described those in-your-face-pro-recovery-bitches.. couldnt agree more.
    But when you mentioned not meeting or hearing from someone who has gone throuh 'recovery' of sorts and not having that attitude.. I wondered if you have read 'Wasted' by Marya Hornbacher (sp)
    It's really good, become one of my favourites, shes not preachy and in fact states many times that she doesnt believe she is 'cured' she knows Ana is with her always, but some how shes learnt to live with it.. the stories she shares (pre-during-and-post-recovery) are really interesting and relatable if you want to check it out,
    heres the free pdf link!
    love always
    Anas Angel