Sunday, January 23, 2011

Where from Here?

Hello, again. Here I am, again. Like a crack addict scouring the alleys for her fix, I'm back to this blog.

Although, I never really left. Not even 3 weeks after my big farewell here, I began another blog, under another name. It's not the first time I've done this, and it's all to avoid my extremely nosy sister, Kate. Not that I really care what she thinks...it's that I have the deep, frightened feeling that she will tell my parents again. Not that I care what my parents think either, but honestly...it's out of the goodness of my heart this time. What good does it do my poor, overworked mother to know that her troubled daughter is, well, extra-troubled? And how many more gray hairs on my father's head do we have to turn white with worry?

The only thing that brings me back with some level of confidence, is Kate's sweet little farewell message on her blog. The feeling that she is no longer interested in reading up on girls like me. Girls sick in the mind, torn apart with hatred for their own bodies. I'm happy that she's recovered, I really am. I'm just sick of recovered anorexics and bulimics who preach the value of "healthy eating." It's easy for them to talk. They got skinny, they got what they wanted. And they should know just as well how hard it is to give it all up. Yet as soon as they turn away from the mirror, they seem to forget Ana's pale, papery grin. They seem to bury the memories of just how hard it is to ignore that grin. They act as though it's so very easy, to eat without care, to ignore the scale. "If I did it, you can too." They say, their voices dripping with sticky-sweet sensitivity and caring. "I can help you," they offer. "Just eat healthy and exercise. There's no need for this silly starving behavior anymore."

And they act like they still struggle. "Oh, I know it's hard. It's so hard. I still have trouble eating breakfast some days." They wipe a crocodile tear away and smile. The difference between us and them, is that they still do it. They manage to eat without worrying themselves sick over it. The sad fact of the matter is, we just aren't there yet. And they need to understand that. However, I have yet to see a recovering ana who hasn't pissed me off with her failure to understand and her high-and-mighty "I'm cured!" attitude.

For those who wish to read up on what's been happening the past few months, the alter-ego blog (where I took the name Lilly this time) is here: Perfect, Empty, Thin.

I haven't decided whether I want to continue writing here or there. Either way, shoutout to Nikki (Letters from Ana) who has been with me for the past several years now, as a fellow Ana, confidant, and friend. She was the only one to follow my alternate blog since I took leave from this one.

So where from here? I'm not sure yet. I'll see what sort of reaction this post gets. I'll see how far my 5th or 6th relapse (I've lost count now) plays out. Either way, I want everyone to know I have missed you and I think of you all the time.

Stay strong, think thin.
xoxo
~Kat