Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Legacy

Last night I read the archive I have saved of the old "Quest for Perfection." It's interesting to see how much I've changed.

My very first entries in December 2008/Jan '09 reveal a 17 year old girl tired of being called fat and thinking anorexia was the coolest thing in the world.

"Have I mentioned how much I crave this dizzy empty feeling in my body? Part of the reason I feel so rotten when I eat is because that light and empty feeling is gone...When I'm starving, I feel like a dancer, just skipping and floating through life. When I turn and look in the mirror at my stomach going flatter and flatter every day that I avoid food, it lifts my heart like nothing else can. The sight of my ribs turning more and more visible protruding from my skin is gorgeous."
-January 5, 2009

I read the slow destruction of myself as if it were someone else entirely. My heart sank as I read the posts about my initial bouts of bulimia.

"My eyes were watering and my throat burning, then FINALLY...it happened. It was so fast and easy I almost couldn't believe it. But soon the cookie mix was out and then some of the cereal I had binged on that morning. I wiped my mouth and stood up, breathing hard. It had been so different than what I expected. Easy, simple...relieving in fact. But it proved something. This isn't a game anymore...this isn't a fun little diet. I am sick-minded enough to violently force my body to expell its contents."
-Saturday, January 31, 2009

And the time when I reached my lowest weight, 133, and lied about recovery in order to cut off all help from my concerned friends and family in order to keep my disorder.

"Maybe this is suicide...cutting off all anti-anorexia "support" in my life. But I don't care. Thin is too important to me. If they are all stupid enough to believe me when I SUDDENLY want to get better...then it's their fault when I end up in a hospital bed. WHEN. I DO intend to be hospitalized by this someday. It's my ultimate goal. To be sick enough to need it."
-April 28, 2009

Well, I've grown up a lot since then. I know better now. I no longer enjoy my vision flickering and my head reeling with weakness. I don't find it strangely addictive to hurt those around me while I self-destruct. I no longer want to be hospitalized as a bag of bones.

Of course I want to be skinnier, I don't think that desire will ever go away. But I don't feel I belong in the world of Pro Ana blogging anymore. I'm just not into it. I'm trying to take some "me time" and make positive choices in my life right now. I recently made a decision to stay away from drugs, alcohol, and sex while I get myself under control. A few of my friends laughed out loud at me for those decisions, but I don't care. If this decision is good for me, then I have no shame in standing by it.

Hang in there, Anas. You CAN be happy.

All my love, signing off.

~Kat

12 comments:

  1. i dont kow why on earth i did, but i was crying reading this.
    Im glad that you want to recover... i hope you are happy again soon.

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  2. Much luck to you and your future endeavors. Best wishes to you to be happy. ♡

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  3. I'm so happy for you. I hope this change proves to be the best for you. You're strong Kat, and I hope you recover completely. If anorexia and bulimia have been standing in the way of your happiness then I'm glad. You made the desicion to be happy <3 I hope you finally see yourself the way we've seen you all along. You're beautiful I hope your dreams come true

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  4. I'm so glad that you're getting better! Its scary reading old posts, isnt it? My own posts from a year ago freak me out, I wish I could go back in time.
    I hope you're able to rid yourself of this crap forever, nobody deserves to be stuck in this hell. You're amazing and I know you'll be happy <3

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  5. I don't even care what you're into, I love reading your writing and I like hearing what you have to say. I'm not in it for the old Kat or new Kat. I'm in it for just you as you are now and whenever

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  6. Hi,
    Your writing is amazing... I've been reading your blog and though I'm a lot younger, I can totally relate to a lot of the things you write. I avoided pro-ana for a long time, but now I've finally started a blog and account. And finding things like your blog make me really glad I did so. :)
    But if you feel that you want to change, I totally stand by you. I just hope more than anything that you find a way to be happy and enjoy life.
    Evie x

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  7. Just found out you're writing again. I've read your blog from the begining (i mean the old one too) It's quite horrible to read about what you've been through whithin the past year, I've thought about you a bit. Not that we haven't all gone through alot. At first I didn't think it was really you, I thought it was someone else who began writing as you. You don't sound the same and that makes me quite sad but I suppose we all grow up. It was just startling to read your posts when I can remember you so well as an innocent high schooler sneeking kisses in the church maybe even just a year ago. I hope you really do get sick of this life and move on--its not sustainable, but you sound like you know that. You really are better than the shit you've put yourself through, it just takes serious strength to believe it. We all got our own struggles and I wish you well in yours.

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  8. i probably should have read this post before i read the 3 before it lol. oh well.

    i think the best thing about the pro ana community is that whether you're actively ana or actively recovering, you're still supported. there are many people in your life, both here and in the real world, who will support you in your choice of recovery. i think we all know deep down we'll need it some day. hell, i know i will, and sometimes i debate it, but i'm not ready. that last comment i made about your strength applies here too. you're way stronger than you think. you're strong enough to beat this. you just have to believe in that strength to be able to use it. and when that happens, everything else will fall into its place.

    love,
    Nikki

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  9. We love you no matter what your choice is, and if your choice is to be healthy, so much the better. :) Thank you for being Yourself.

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  10. hey sweetheart, ive got a new blog and perhaps u want to follow. it would be really nice.

    http://let-me-be-skinny.blogspot.com

    i wish u much luck

    xoxo

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