Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Legacy

Last night I read the archive I have saved of the old "Quest for Perfection." It's interesting to see how much I've changed.

My very first entries in December 2008/Jan '09 reveal a 17 year old girl tired of being called fat and thinking anorexia was the coolest thing in the world.

"Have I mentioned how much I crave this dizzy empty feeling in my body? Part of the reason I feel so rotten when I eat is because that light and empty feeling is gone...When I'm starving, I feel like a dancer, just skipping and floating through life. When I turn and look in the mirror at my stomach going flatter and flatter every day that I avoid food, it lifts my heart like nothing else can. The sight of my ribs turning more and more visible protruding from my skin is gorgeous."
-January 5, 2009

I read the slow destruction of myself as if it were someone else entirely. My heart sank as I read the posts about my initial bouts of bulimia.

"My eyes were watering and my throat burning, then FINALLY...it happened. It was so fast and easy I almost couldn't believe it. But soon the cookie mix was out and then some of the cereal I had binged on that morning. I wiped my mouth and stood up, breathing hard. It had been so different than what I expected. Easy, simple...relieving in fact. But it proved something. This isn't a game anymore...this isn't a fun little diet. I am sick-minded enough to violently force my body to expell its contents."
-Saturday, January 31, 2009

And the time when I reached my lowest weight, 133, and lied about recovery in order to cut off all help from my concerned friends and family in order to keep my disorder.

"Maybe this is suicide...cutting off all anti-anorexia "support" in my life. But I don't care. Thin is too important to me. If they are all stupid enough to believe me when I SUDDENLY want to get better...then it's their fault when I end up in a hospital bed. WHEN. I DO intend to be hospitalized by this someday. It's my ultimate goal. To be sick enough to need it."
-April 28, 2009

Well, I've grown up a lot since then. I know better now. I no longer enjoy my vision flickering and my head reeling with weakness. I don't find it strangely addictive to hurt those around me while I self-destruct. I no longer want to be hospitalized as a bag of bones.

Of course I want to be skinnier, I don't think that desire will ever go away. But I don't feel I belong in the world of Pro Ana blogging anymore. I'm just not into it. I'm trying to take some "me time" and make positive choices in my life right now. I recently made a decision to stay away from drugs, alcohol, and sex while I get myself under control. A few of my friends laughed out loud at me for those decisions, but I don't care. If this decision is good for me, then I have no shame in standing by it.

Hang in there, Anas. You CAN be happy.

All my love, signing off.

~Kat