Friday, August 27, 2010

Where from here?

Counting down to my mental detonation. Everything got really fucked.

I broke up with Johnny two days after my last post. I feel like my own apprehension ruined it before anything else could. I was just so scared of watching another relationship fall apart, I wasn't even willing to put the effort into building it up. I watched the confusion and heartbreak on his face as I tried to explain (make excuses) that I couldn't do it. That he was a great guy (and I'm an out of control fuck-up) and I'm not trying to hurt him (just myself) and that I'm really sorry (but deep down I'm not sorry) and yeah...then he rolled a joint and we lit up. I went home after a day of successfully not eating and binged, hating myself. I passed out on the couch watching TV, only to wake up at 4:00 am feeling like I had a rock in my stomach. I burst into tears and popped laxatives, trying to get rid of my shame. I spent nearly all of the next day lying in bed between trips to the bathroom.

Yesterday I managed to not eat until 7:00 pm when I caved and went to Taco Bell with friends from the college. Why the fuck do I pick junk food? I don't know, but it's a bitch. Every time. Today I had some fruit when I got home.

Goals are in order. I need numbers and stats to keep me on track. So, back to the old routine! I'm reposting my stats because I went to the doctor and found out that I am taller than I was 2 years ago when I started the blog. Happy face :)

KAT
Age: 19
Height: 5'9"
CW: 145 lbs | BMI 21.4

GOAL WEIGHTS:
Sept 1: 140 lbs | BMI 20.7
Sept 10: 138 lbs | BMI 20.4
Sept 20: 130 lbs | BMI 19.2
Oct 1: 125 lbs | BMI 18.5
Oct 10: 120 lbs | BMI 17.7 (UGW for now!)

Right now I feel like Ana is the only thing I have to live for. The only thing that I can keep track of, the only thing I can control. How many times have I said that before? I know I must sound like a broken record, but we're all broken in some way, my lovely Anas.

We'll survive it.

xoxo

~Kat

6 comments:

  1. sounds good to me. the goals, i mean. such a lovely broken record you are, though. stay strong, darling.

    xoxo
    zette
    p.s. taco bell gets me, too.

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  2. Oh sweetie I'm sorry. If you ever get to the point where you believe you deserve happiness find a guy like that who appriciates and loves you. I like your goals, I need to do some serious goal making myself <3 stay strong baby girl you can get there!!!!

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  3. Yes, we will survive it. And thrive.

    I always love seeing a new post from you. You're a great writer, and you really get your point across, eloquently.

    Thank you for being you.

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  4. im so sorry to hear about you and they boy... :(
    lucky for me (by the sounds of things) here is no taco bell where i am!
    your goal sound really good and i am so incredibly jealous that you have grown! i am so short it is pathetic... 5"3 aka 160cms. i would kill to grow! :P

    xoxo

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  5. Oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you. Completely understand your pain. Rest assured you have our love and support and that we're all with you on this journey. Stay strong and keep us updated xx

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  6. kat you really are stronger than you think. ever since i stumbled upon your first blog so long ago i've idolized you. when we used to talk all the time you kept me in line and made me stronger. you have the control, the discipline, the strength, everything you need to reach sweet thin perfection. but to harness all that power, you have to believe in it. know it's there. then everything else will fall into place.

    stay strong, think thin, live ana
    xoxoNikkioxox

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