Sunday, August 22, 2010

Waiting...

I am waiting for a text.

This text will say something along the lines of "you still awake love?"

It will be a text from my new boyfriend, asking me to meet him.

It's 2:00 AM.

I am scared.

It's hard to describe the longing I feel right now, deep in the pit of my stomach. Maybe that's just a gnawing ache from the emptiness of acid trying to regenerate in there after throwing up an hour ago. Maybe it's a nicotine overdose from the rack of cigarettes I just inhaled to try and calm myself down. Perhaps it's a longing to allow myself to be happy. Or all three.

The new boy is Johnny, a sweet skater-type boy who recently moved to my parents' neighborhood. I met him on the bus a little while ago after running away from another guy who was trying to hook up with me. Johnny is a darling soul, very innocent and naive. He thinks I'm the cutest thing on earth. When I'm with him, I forget about everything. All I can think about is his lips on my forehead, his hand on my stomach, his breath in my ear as we whisper to each other under the stars.

It sounds perfect right?

Right.

Right...?

right...

Then why am I so scared.

I feel like the world is on my shoulders and I can't shake it off. I feel like I wrapped myself in duct tape and wrote all over it in sharpie: "untouchable, unlovable, unreachable...NOT allowed to be happy, NEVER."

And yet I'm the only one who pays any attention to these labels. If Johnny doesn't see them, they don't have to exist. If I wasn't such a fuck up then I could maybe believe him when he tells me he loves everything about me, that I'm perfect. Why is there a tiny voice inside my head, growing louder every day that tells me..."Johnny wants you to be skinnier, like him."

It's getting fucking LOUD.

I can't even sit beside him without straightening my back and sucking in, hiding the ugliness that is my shape, my fat, my imperfection. I can't even fathom the idea of sex at the moment, as much as I want it...I really don't. It's not like I haven't done it before...I often think of myself as quite the experienced whore. It's like my human and feminine desires rise up and take control, and then as soon as it's over, I want to hide. I can't get my clothes on fast enough, I can't get away from the guy soon enough.

I want so badly for it to be different with Johnny. But I don't know how.

There's always the easy solution, just fucking get SKINNY already and this won't be a problem. God, you ridiculous sack of shit. If your weight is the problem (which it OBVIOUSLY is) then DO something about it, you useless slut. Nobody wants to fuck a fat girl. It's funny that you wonder where all your relationships go wrong. It's YOU, Kat, it's YOU. Once they see you naked, it's only a matter of time before they turn tail and run. You're such a worthless waste of space. And you will never...

EVER...

...be happy until you are thin.


.........

Thanks for the pep-talk Ana.

xoxo

~Kat

5 comments:

  1. I got lucky. I got a super skinny guy [which worried me] but it turns out, I idolized his thin body and he loves my curves.
    Strange.
    Just let go, he can't hurt you anymore than anyone else has.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ana is a lying sack of shit. You ARE loveable, but like all of us just too scared to see it :(

    I hope he smothers you in love and cuteness and makes you laugh at least once a day. I DEMAND THE SICKENING CUTENESS!!!11!!1!

    Fuck, the diet coke has possessed me with a caffeine demon! Have an awesome day Kat. I'm glad to see you back after all that shit you had to wade through.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. i hear you. anytime a guy tells me sweet things all i can hear is ana. i hope you find a way to let go with him. you deserve it. stay strong, darling.

    xoxo
    zette

    ReplyDelete
  4. He sounds amazing. I hope Ana takes the duct tape and tapes her big fucking mouth shut. You are loveable sweetie, and this amazing boy loves you. You deserve the happiness, just tell Ana to go fuck herself. <3 I hope he sticks around sweetie

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm happy that you're allowing yourself to get close to this guy, but know how frustrating that fear of intimacy is. It doesn't matter how often he says he loves you, or your shape, ultimately it's how happy YOU are with yourself that counts. Try to find confidence in the parts of your life you have control over, and run with them. That self-belief is the sexiest thing a girl can offer, in my opinion.

    ReplyDelete