Thursday, May 27, 2010

Too Much

Sometimes it justs hurt to much to talk about. And when it gets this bad, I write.

I've put up walls around myself to hide the cracks in my heart and muffle the tearing sobs in the dark. I smile and like to act like I could put up a good fight if I needed to. I act like I can take on the world and win. I hold my head up high while I collapse against a wall. It's ridiculous. I have nothing to be proud of. Yet somehow I act like I'm something special, like I'm somebody in this world when I know it's a load of bullshit.

I don't have anywhere to go. I ran out of money after losing my last job, and therefore got kicked out of my house because I couldn't afford June rent. I got in touch with my parents, asking about maybe moving back in. They took me out to dinner and explained how things would go. I would have to pay rent to them as well, and have a curfew of 11:00pm. Problem is, I work from 11:00pm-4:00am at my new job. I offered other forms of good behavior in exchange, but they dodged those. Eventually my parents said I'm too difficult to have home...I'm a bad influence on my younger brother...my presence makes it nearly impossible for them to have a peaceful and well-polished household. I'm not quoting them directly, but I am not exaggerating. My mom went on to say that "I mean, you can come home if it comes down to you sleeping on a park bench or something..." and I shut it out. I'm not sleeping on a park bench, I'm sleeping in Brett's car and showering at the community college. I carry a backpack of essentials and keep the extra stuff in a locker at the school. Sometimes I sleep in other friends' cars or at their houses. It's really not bad, but the label is still in the back of my mind: "homeless."

I haven't gotten any money from my new job yet, so I'm also broke and homeless. I can't buy cigarettes or food. The food thing is handy, except it's a weird feeling. It used to be a choice, "don't eat." Now it's a fact. "Can't eat." The lack of cigarettes is killer though. I'm running out of stress-relievers.

I called Paul last night. Being homeless makes you miss people of the past. In fact, I really, really, wanted to see him. He didn't pick up right away, but texted me back a few hours later asking what I needed. I called him again and told him I just wanted to talk, and hang out like we used to. He eventually told me in the same awkward tone that he couldn't have me around...I was too much of a bad influence on him and an upset to his life. I was shocked. You all remember Paul, the love of my life, the best friend of my life. In some ways, he was my life. And he closed the door on me like my parents did. He heard about my situation and said, "I'm sure they would take you back now."

I explained that if someone makes it clear they don't want me around, then I'm not going to try and gain their pity so they take me back. All part of me having pride for no reason. I'm a fat useless bump on society's log and I still try to pretend I'm not.

Eventually I told Paul I had to go. I lied. I wasn't doing anything, I was at a playground in the dark with a couple of my friends talking by their car on the next street over. I hung up the phone, hung my head, and cried harder than I have in a long time. Visions of the past kept flying through my head. You, my dear anas have been there through everything. You have seen me through Joe, Paul, and now Damian. All of which I have loved dearly. Joe is completely gone...I never see him or hear from him. He could have moved out of the country and I never would have heard about it. Paul is fading away, the last memories and connections he has with me being rubbed out like traces of ink on a paper.

Why does everyone try their best to forget me?

Last night I wanted to scream at someone, anyone. I wanted to demand answers to the questions flying through my head. SOMEONE, ANYONE, TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I wanted to grab the nearest person and shake them, begging them to tell me WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME?

Nikki from Letters From Ana is doing a 4-day fast with me, and I am throwing my everything into this. I'm planning on flushing out at some point, and using any and every pill to increase energy and fat-burning. I will escape this hell.

Stay strong,

xoxo

~Kat

14 comments:

  1. we all feel like screaming that from time to time. i know that i do.. a lot. but they have no idea because i don't tell anyone, how can i expect them to explain?
    i hope you get your paycheck soon, and that everything turns around for you. i really do.

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  2. Hang in there Kat. I know you're a fighter, I know you can get through this.

    Thank you for writing. I've read your blog since the very beginning, and I can't tell you how much it helps, in some bizarre way.

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  3. Kat, what they are doing is treating you like an addict. If you want to help an addict, you offer them the necessities but refuse to enable the negative behavior. To a degree, I agree with them.

    Yes, I have been following you since the beginning. Recipes for cabbage soup, diet orange soda in the high school computer lab. I adore your blog and think you are a simply amazing writer.

    Please, be careful. Think about taking your parents up on their offer. The last paragraph of your posting sounded suicidal, honestly. Don't die. If nothing else, all of us would miss you.

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  4. Darling, let me just tell you that you truly are someone in this world. Everyone on here loves you, and i guarantee there are people in your life who love you as well. Please don't think of yourself as nothing. You are so much more than nothing. You are someone very important to many of us.
    Those people that don't want you around are just being ridiculous, but i can understand why it would hurt you so much as my parents and some of my friends are the same way since i moved in with my fiance and his mother.
    Just hang in there a while, sweetie. I'm sure everything will look up for you here soon.

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  5. Kat,

    Judah here. I know we haven't spoken in months, but I wanted you to know that I have never tried to forget you. The last time we communicated, you asked for space. I've respected that, but Im still here. Kate is still here. Your parents are too. Lacey is right. Because we love you, we can't enable your lifestyle. But if you need advice, a boost toward something positive and productive, or a shoulder to cry on, we are all still here.

    You have so much potential, and you CAN reach it. I know it is easy to look at where you are right now and to despair. Please have hope. Your future can still be bright. You haven't damaged anything beyond repair.

    I have been in a situation where I felt hopeless. I felt like I would never achieve my dreams and goals. That I would be a useless lump on the log of society. Now I am in an amazing school living a life that I love. I never believed that I would or could be anything but a worthless fuck up, but I was wrong.

    I'm happy now, Kat. I never knew what true happiness was until I let myself pursue a positive passion and really tried to reach my potential. I did the club thing. I did the drinking thing. I thought it was freedom and fun and happiness. It never felt like I feel now.

    All the tools you need to save yourself are here. The question is, are you more attached to your life, or the weight that is drowning you?

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  6. You sound tougher than I'll ever be. You're inspiring, I hope you know that.

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  8. i can't even imagine the pain you must feel. you are so so strong. i wish i could be as strong as you are. i hope you get money soon. im so scared something is going to happen to you out there!

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  9. Kat,
    please stay strong! I love your blog, and I feel like I understand where you're coming from, partly because I've been there, partly because I'm heading there. But, whatever happens in your life, don't stop writing.

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  10. Dear Kat-
    Hi my name's Bella and i am a new reader of yours, i think that you are one of the strongest people in the whole world... i hope you're feeling a bit better and that your situation has improved...
    i can't imagine what you must be feeling but you inspire me so much with your strength and power.

    just thank you i guess and please never stop writing :)

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  11. hi, i live in Italy and lucky for me i learned english in 6 grade. i like your blog it's very inspirational. i even started my own blog. please give me support.

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  12. I am new to your blog, but the stuff you said about moving home: I have heard that before... "You are too difficult to have here" "You should go live with your grandma" "I can't wait til you go to college and get out of this house" "You make this house into a living hell." Yeah... Sounds familliar. It does eventually get better. My mom and I actually are trying to be friends now. She still annoys the shit out of me sometimes, but it has gotten better! Hang in there.

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  13. im new to your blog but ive read thru many of your posts idk if u check this anymore but ive been in a similar position at least as far as having an ed goes and being homeless it can get better just keep hanging in there. <3

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