Sometimes feelings just well up inside me to such a degree that I feel like I'm going to explode. They can be good, bad, or intensely neutral. I just watched two of my closest friends, Brett and Casey, leave for a date. Casey came bouncing in less than half an hour ago to the school lounge where Brett and I were hanging out. She wore a strapless tanktop with black ruffles and cute old-style jeans shorts. Cowgirl boots and dark red hair. She flew in with a ray of sunshine and looked so completely gorgeous I was quite literally taken aback.
I don't know how I manage to love her so much, because inside ana screams with jealousy every time I see her. We go to raves in the city occaisonally, donning short skirts and glowsticks to dance the night away. She always dances beside me, and she is always the center of attention. Casey is honestly better than me in almost every way imaginable. She is a constant presence of cheerfulness and lovable. She can dance like no other girl I know, she can throw glowsticks like nobody's business. She works 2 jobs and makes shit tons of money, some of which I have borrowed to pay my own fucking bills. She offered sweetly and I am still working on paying her back. She is a petite 5'4" and 102 pounds of creamy white skin and nice ass. We all say that nobody's perfect...but she's damn near as close as it gets. Why she chose to be my friend, I never understood. But I love her, and I feel terrible for the way I hate her sometimes.
I was made acutely aware of the deficit in beauty and success when she ran in, looking the way she did, while I sat on my ass with my laptop, watching some abstract anime Brett had recommended to me...wearing old ripped sandals, size 10 capri pants, and a T-shirt I got in florida I wore solely to hide my ridiculous stomach flab. She was a glorious goddess and I was a fucking piece of gum on the bottom of her size 7 shoe. Even her feet are small.
I haven't eaten today. I've had a coke zero and an aquafina flavored water. An icee from Burger King. But how long will I continue this way? The willpower I worked so hard to build has dwindled to near nothingness. But maybe seeing Casey this way will remind me from now on how inferior I am, and how being skinny is the only goal that I can hope to achieve that will put me anywhere near her level.
She even has a better relationship. Brett cares for her so well, paying close attention to her needs and working things out with her when necessary. They fight occaisonally, rarely. But most of the time I hear only good things about the relationship...from both of them. Damian is the love of my life, and I love the time I get to spend with him. But there's always the question in the back of my mind of how much I really mean to him.
I don't know what else to do. Something needs to change. I need something to hold onto in this world that I can be confident in. Like, "there goes Kat. She may not be able to succeed at home, at work, in her relationship, with her family...she has no money and no real worth to society, but at least she's thin."
I'll get there.