Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Return

Wearied and lonely, I return to the world that once provided me with such strong satisfaction in my destruction. Hello all. I missed my readers dearly. I know it will take some time to get the word out that I'm back, but I'm just happy to be posting again. So much has changed.

Shortly after I gave up the original "Quest for Perfection," my life shifted drastically. I refuse to decide whether or not losing my precious blog was the cause. However I will say one thing. Losing the blog was one thing, I could barely handle it. It hurt, it tugged at my heart and soul unceasingly for many sleepless nights. I worried about what would happen to my readers, what would become of me now that my voice had been stripped of me. It was enough torture simply having my life taken away from me. But to watch my sister, my gorgeous, loving, selfish, and broken sister step directly into my place and start talking about me...saying whatever she wanted simply because she could...and because she automatically had readers...

I broke.

I felt like someone had put duct tape on my soul, I had been completely shut up. I tried to find solace in starting a new blog as someone else, completely different from myself. Writing stories that pertained very loosely to my true life. The further I went on however, the more I felt like I was writing a fiction and not actually being heard. I lost interest quickly.

The new year started with a bang. Stumbling around in my room alone at 4am with a stolen pint of vodka the night after a new year's eve party, my mother heard me crash into a window. She found me in the hallway, mid-attempt find the bathroom, clutching my robe around me with one hand, eyes bloodshot and voice heavily slurred. I panicked and ran away from home an hour later. Wound up at a male friend's house 45 minutes drive away. Lee (oldest sister), called and reminded me that we were supposed to hang out that day. She insisted we didn't have to talk about what happened. "Just tell me where you are."

And I did.

Before I knew it I was at her house and nobody would drive me anywhere. Her house is in the middle of nowhere, so there is nowhere to physically run to. I was trapped and soon horrified to find myself in the middle of an intervention. Kate, Judah, my parents, my brother, and Lee's husband all showed up and read the traditional intervention letters to me. Tears found their way out of my lying eyes. The tears meant nothing, as did the letters. The only thing that touched me was when my little brother looked me in the eyes and begged, "don't leave me alone..."

I finished the sentence for him in my head. "...with this insane and fucked up family."

And then things began to move fast.

Paul and I fell apart very quickly. Our relationship had already taken a hard hit with the drama that occured with his mother separating us in early December. The insanity on my part that immediately followed the "end" of my career in pro-ana blogging ruined what was left of us and I left him. I was soon in an empty relationship with a co-worker 9 years older than me for a few weeks and in the process lost my virginity to him. Moved out of my parents house a few weeks later. Was cheated on and dumped the day before Valentine's Day. Got high as fuck on V-day with 3 other single friends from school. We drove around aimlessly and rambled about nothing. I bought hair dye and bleach. Went strawberry-blonde and began hanging around the community college again, though I had dropped all classes before the semester even started. I searched desperately for every party and every chance to get fucked up for weeks on end.

I quit my job one morning when I showed up an hour after my early shift was supposed to start. I had been at a rave in another city the night before. Sleepless and fucked out of my mind on five different drugs, I walked in...makeup smeared and hair a mess from sweaty dancing and walking in the city-smog rain, my slutty raver clothes stained and wet but very much still on my body (instead of my work uniform). I calmly asked for my paycheck. It was a Friday morning. The manager gaped at me and my unbelievable audacity. After gaining control of herself and the desire I'm sure she had to slap me, she said the paychecks wouldn't be ready until 10:00. It was 7:30 am. She asked if I was planning on working like I was supposed to. I shrugged and walked out the door. Picked up my paycheck later that night, ignoring the burning glares the other employees were giving me. I was supposed to become assistant manager.

On went the dizzying fast-forward motion of my life. I scored a new job as a waitress at a pub near my house. Night shifts, of course. The new habit I was developing of getting hammered drunk until 3am or staying out until sunrise did not encourage another morning shift like my last job had required of me.

I stopped visiting my family. Completely shut Kate and her two-faced husband Judah out of my life. Began ignoring my parents' efforts to connect with me. They had an unlimited number of chances to get close to me while I lived under their roof...and it's not my fault they failed miserably. I have no desire to speak to the two people who emotionally gagged and bound me and drove their daughter into a silent psycopathic state, bent on her own destruction. I will not acknowledge the smiling fakes who sat back and did nothing while I created my personal hell of blood and vomit and attempted suicides and starvation.

I have bought a week's worth of groceries about 3 times in total since I moved into my new home. I have been living here for nearly three months.

I started hanging around a completely different crowd. Out of the names I've mentioned in the original blog, Paul is the only one who I hold any sort of contact with. I call him. Rarely, and increasingly so. Faces of so-called "loved ones" and "best friends" have all run together and slid into the dark pool of the past.

Note: All these events occured within less than 3 months.

January.

February.

March.

Pause. things took an interesting turn in mid-march. I ran into a boy at school who I had known before, but hadn't really noticed until this point. He was an interesting person, yes. But what caught my attention was that he was suddenly everywhere. More and more often I would slide into the backseat of a friend's car and find him next to me or in the passenger's seat, ready for the night's activities. The more I talked to him the more he intrigued me. You could tell he was a man with many secrets and a very short or nonexistant childhood. He was hard yet easy to get along with at the same time. His eyes full of laughter and darkness. His stories of people and things in his past so incredible or bizarre you almost can't believe them. And yet, you somehow don't care whether they are true or not. You look at him and mentally say "fuck it, even if the story isn't true...it's a damn good story."

Damian. I was drawn in very quickly.

Eventually I got a chance to get him alone. We sat at a playground on a chilly Sunday night, and I let all the questions I wanted to ask him come pouring out. It was a no-holds-barred attack on the defensive walls I knew he had put up at some point in his life. I slowly cracked and pushed and pressed and coaxed my way into his mind and learned his deepest thoughts and secrets. Five hours later, when he realized what I had done, he told me, surprised, that nobody had ever shown that much interest. I got the idea that I had, in a sense "gone where no one dared to go before." Then he cocked his head slightly, studied me for a moment, and reached his hand up to touch my cheek.

"You're amazing. I could spend eternity with you."

And he kissed me.

Since that time, Damian has turned my world upside down. His existence is directly linked to mine. His physical presence is like a drug. A love like none other... unbound, passionate, full of conflict and raw emotion. Two naturally guarded and cold people, suddenly open and vulnerable to each other. Constantly measuring, constantly tearing down walls and rebuilding them. Ever wounding, ever healing. He will be the death of me, and I can't live without him.

In upcoming posts, I will go into more detail about Damian and how he affects my feelings about my body. It's more contradictions and ever-wounding, ever-healing stuff. Trust me though, there is plenty to write about. And now that I have satisfied my need to be dramatic and release all the thoughts that have been building and incessantly rearranging themselves into the perfect order for this one blog post, I can return to my original purpose.

Thin.

Ah yes, the beautiful and terrible path on which ana leads us, full of cracked mirrors and scales, pain and satisfaction, emptiness and gain. The call is strong, her frail hand beckons.

Here we go again...it's good to be back.

Stay strong, xoxo

~Kat

45 comments:

  1. ★★ I'm so very happy that you're back. Your original blog gave me so much strength and it's so uplifting to have one of my inspirations back. ★★

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  2. Oh Kat...You were TRULY MISSED.

    Welcome home. :)

    xoxox,
    A

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  3. SO glad you're back! I had only just begun to follow your blog when your sister took it over... My inept words cannot express the sorrow I feel for you now, hearing all of this, seeing what you've been through...

    I look forward to living it all with you, love. Thank you so much for writing. You are strength and inspiration and a familiar lovelight to us all.

    <3
    P.D.

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  5. I, like everyone else, missed your touching writing and sensitive heart. Welcome back.

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  6. I am eternally grateful that you are back. Your words give me hope. Please never leave us again. <3<3 Olivia

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  7. Oh kat... You are truly incredible. I missed you.

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  8. I'm so glad your back. I've missed your posts so badly. Promise you'll stay this time??

    -Isa

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  9. How old are you Kat? You sound like you're 13. It sounds to me like everyone in your life tiptoes around you because they're afraid they will set you off. You seem like a sniveling, spoiled brat who is incapable of taking any kind of criticism, but at the same time is desperately crying out for attention. It's amazing that you call your sister selfish and are angry that she's talking about you on her blog. Isn't that exactly what you have done? You're such a hypocrite. You come here to this comfort zone to be enabled by and enable these dildos like Nikki. If you don't like who you are, do something about it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, its pathetic.

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  10. Oh thank god. :) I think I actually posted a comment on Kate's writings about how I wasn't interested til you came back. She was so fake. I hated every moment when someone encouraged her.
    :D Oh. You can write whatever you want on this blog becasue I love it all. You're the reason why I have blogger, you and SophiaRuins. Thank You.

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  11. You're Kat! I'm new... I've heard of you. Came across Kate. Good to meet you. I'll have to add you to my blog reading. :)

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  12. kkkkaaaaattttttttt....i missed you so much, thanks to Google reader i could red all your blogs, thank you so much for letting me know that you are back...i missed you more than i did when my best friend went abroad on a summer camp...i am rambling, i know...don't ever leave us alone...the more we are the stronger we become.
    we need each other in this fight to be THIN.
    Kisses and hugs.:*
    "PerfectingMyEmptiness"

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  13. As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.

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  14. Kat! I can't even tell you how excited I am to have you back. I was so invested in your last blog that it was crushing when you left. I'm so sorry to hear about all the ongoings since you left but I am just so thrilled you're back!

    -Scarlett

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  15. I hope it's ok that I follow you. I read your blog just as your sister was taking over, but now it's really you!

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  16. Carport321 - while i understand how you feel... she is my sister and i love her. i hope you won't talk about her like that.

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  17. I understand that you love her Kate. Reading your blog makes that clear despite what these teenagers think. It is amazing that you are standing up for her considering the way she trash talks you. You're a good sister. But this blog is nothing but a pity party for enablers and wannabe victims.

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  18. Kat, I absolutely love you. I'm SO fucking glad you're back. I've missed reading your blog tons. We've all missed you every bit as much as you've missed us [and probably more].

    Stay strong, keep posting, and remember we're all here for you! <33

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

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  19. Thanks for coming back to us! Sorry these past months have been tough on you, at least you're free from your family.
    Can't wait to read more!
    Kiki xx

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  20. YOU'RE BACK!!!!!!!!!!! I have missed you so much!!!! Thank you for comming back to us!!! xoxo Stsy strong!

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  21. Oh kat i've missed you!!!!!! You are a true inspriation. i hope your here to stay. xx

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  22. i just found your blog .. wow alot going on .. hope ur doing well

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  23. Am I the only skeptical one here? I loved Kat and her old blog, but... come on, what are the chances of her and Kate, who she isn't in contact with anymore, posting on the exact same day? And now Kate's commenting on this blog, won't that mean something bad for Kat?
    I dunno, the whole situation confuses and bugs me, and I end up feeling like I'm getting played.
    If I'm wrong then I'm wrong, but that's just how I feel..

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  24. firstly, carport321 needs to shut the fuck up.
    secondly, kat i am so glad youre back! your story has always been my favourite (shh! DONT TELL THE OTHERS!) and i love how you write. it sounds like your life has been a huge mess since you left and im glad you are back. we love you and no matter what you do, you will always find support here. welcome back!

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  25. Truth hurts PollyDolly? What is about watching someone self-destruct that you enjoy watching so much?

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  26. im with charlie, something doesnt sit right with this.

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  27. Hello Doubters,

    Judah here (Twofaced backstabbing husband of Kate). Two things. 1) Carport, Kat's eating disorder may be (ok, it is)embellished and dramatized for the sake of her readers, but to generalize all readers and bloggers as wannabes is offensive to the ones who are actually suffering from a true eating disorder - and that is a lot of them. Thing 2) Having already tried the tough love/hurtful language approach (mostly out of anger for the family that Kat hurt - they have a valid side to this also)I can tell you that nothing positive has come from it. Kat no longer wants anything to do with me, so where's the help in that.

    I know what you are getting at, and I respect the intention. I just know that the strategy doesn't work from experience. I had grandiose plans of swooping in and helping Kat discover how amazing she is - and she IS amazing, although it is hard to tell from her lifestyle choices currently. I pushed to hard and too fast, and this is what happened.

    To Kat,

    Did I mean the things I said? Yes. If you read them again carefully (I'm sure you still have them somewhere) you will see that they were because I care about you, your sister and your family. There hasn't been a single day that has gone by that I haven't thought about them and whether or not I should have said them. I don't take them back, but I know they hurt.

    If you don't want to speak to me ever again, so be it. But please please please take care of yourself. The lifestyle you are living now could kill you in 100 different ways. Eating disorder or none, I'm sure no one on this blog wants you to stop blogging again because this time you OD'd on 5 different drugs in a club somewhere. Drunken high ravers are bad at CPR and tend to forget the number for 911.

    Whether you believe it or not, I still love you and I am still here. I still believe in your potential and your talent. The situation you are in is not hopeless and you are not alone.

    ~Judah

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  28. Judah,

    Once again I'm impressed that you are reaching out to Kat despite the way she talks about you. But I don't see any reason to respect the people on this blog who don't respect themselves. Everyone here save for you and Kate is a voyeur who wants stare at the burning building. It makes them feel better about themselves to know that they aren't the only one whose life is a mess. Guess what people, EVERYONE has bad stuff in their life. Welcome to the Slough of Despond. Kat is clearly aware that she's being self destructive. She is bragging about it. OF course she should take care of herself. The best way of doing that is to get as far away from this doomed lifestyle as possible. It sounds like she has at least 2 people who are willing to give her a hand up. I just hope she doesn't allow the rest of these voyeurs to drag her back down.

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  29. Carport,

    Have you read Kate's blog? She used to give in to the liars that are Ana and Mia. Those who truly suffer from these disorders are dealing with more than just a bratty cry for attention. Do you have personal experience with a loved one with an ED? Or maybe you have had one yourself? I only wonder because it seems like you don't really understand. I could be wrong.

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  30. Judah,

    I understand wallowing in my own personal Slough of Despond, which is not an ED but something else equally as self destructive. I don't doubt that it is a real problem that these folks are struggling with. What I do doubt is the value of waving your issues like a flag. This is nothing to be proud of. The people on this blog (save you and Kate) are proud of their ED. And Kat seems like she is proud of how she's behaving. They don't want to admit that Ana is a problem. They pretend that it is a good thing, and that their families are mean for not understanding and supporting them. The first step in AA is admitting that you have a problem. Most of the people here are in denial.

    To answer your question, someone very close to me has an ED. I have seen what it can do to a person and to a family. I understand.

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  31. Carport,

    I certainly agree with you in many cases. I just question the usefulness of your tactic. Either way, at least you have taken an interest. That is far more effective than ignoring a problem.

    ~Judah

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  32. hey kat

    i missed reading your blog and i'm very glad you're back. we have a lot of catching up to do :)

    email me, lettersfromana@live.com

    xoxoNikkioxox

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  33. you've been nominated for a sunshine award!

    http://letters-from-ana.blogspot.com/2010/04/sunshine-love-life-my-mother.html

    xoxoNikkioxox

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  34. Alright, well I don't know what's true with this situation, but in my gut it doesn't feel right.
    I mean, Kate, Kat AND Judah, all on Blogger, all connected through Blogger, like... what? And the fact that a grown man makes grammatical errors in a comment really bothers me, but that could just be my teacher-parents coming out in me.

    This doesn't add up in my mind or in my heart. It just doesn't feel right.

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  35. Charlie,

    Maybe it's your conscious warning you that you shouldn't be reading this blog.

    Obviously Kate and Judah found out about the blog somehow, and are trying to trying to stop their sister from jumping off a cliff.

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  36. Actually Charlie, Kate and I had subscribed to Kat's other blogs, including the fictional one. When she started this new one, I received the same email notification that many others here received. Anyway, believe us or not. It is really your call.

    ~Judah
    PS I'm sorry my grammatical errors offend you.
    PPS I'm actually not sorry. That was kind of a douche statement. There are far bigger problems here that are much more troubling and comment worthy than a few grammatical typos in an online blog comment. Now if I was commenting on a grammar blog, then by all means, critique away.

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  37. I don't care how embellished or how self destructive Kat is. I don't care if Judah and Kate aren't real as someone's suggested. I don't have an ED particularly, but I ENJOY her writing. I've read books much in the same style.
    I'm going to continue reading.
    It's better that watching crap soap opera series on TV.

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  38. Kat - Glad you are back writing again... how odd it is though to read these comments.

    Carport321? I truly find you completely amusing! Where on earth did you come across ED blogs? and then commenting on them.
    What is your need to bash on bloggers who are here merely out of freedom of speech and a form of expression, an outlet to get out their thoughts and demons.
    WHY would you think Kat would even care what you think or any other reader out there?
    If you don't like a blog, don't read it... and why comment? Like you could change a person behaviours by a comment or by being an ass?

    Get an ant farm, it's far more fun than us ED bloggers.....
    Anyhow.... I do enjoy Kat's writing style. I think I read the blog because I often see things written that I have felt or feel... It's just nice to know you are not alone out there in the world.
    Take care all of you, meany ones and nice ones. The world has a place for you all.

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  39. hey im so glad ur back. this is the old strawberry shortcake. i had to change my blog because i was discovered. if u wanna email me at babygurl13@live.ca i can add u as a follower!:)

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  41. Kate, what's going on?? Where are you?? Are you okay?? I hope so. I'm checking back here all the time to see if you are ever able to get back to posting regularly, stay safe and stay strong xxx

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