Thursday, April 29, 2010

Reasoning

It didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would...people know I'm back. Some are unwanted, such as Kate and Judah. I expected they would be watching for me, but I really don't care anymore at this point. I would much prefer if they chose to keep my resurfacing to themselves and not involve the entire family this time...but it's up to them. I can't not post at this point.

I ate today. It was supposed to be a reward for myself after eating next to nothing for the past 4 days and finding a mostly flattened stomach this morning. But eating never really works as a reward does it? Seeing my magically unflattened stomach now that the day is over...it feels more like a punishment.

Reading through the comments on my previous entry has been interesting. A very extensive string of welcome with little bits of bashing and unwanted family interest sprinkled in between. I could address some of the bashing, but I would rather not waste the space in this entry. If they find it satisfying to continuously insult my personal choices and actions, then by all means. I'm happy to help however I can.

I was talking to a friend the other day about my writing. I told him that many of the stories I tell about my life are hard to hear. Deep, intense, depressing. While that is sometimes the case (especially with my last post), I don't see it that way. I see an interestng story that I have the ability to word in such a way that it strikes people. It makes them think. Or cry. Or find similarities to their own lives. No matter what reaction, I don't want to struggle in vain. I want my life to be useful in some way. Even if it's only good on paper.

To clarify, I'm not miserable. I constantly have to remind myself to breathe, to stand up every day, to find the sun, to live...but my life isn't without purpose or joy. I find joy in little things these days. In late nights over coffee and card games with friends, in a tip over 20% left on the table for me, in Damian's sleepy eyes and mumbles when I attempt to wake him up in the morning, in sharing the last cigarette with a friend because you are both broke and need nicotine.

I'm content.

In some ways, I'm even content with how I look. I'm not nearly as desperate as I was before. Damian swears up and down that I should never shed an ounce. Funny coming from him, considering he is 6'1" and 128 pounds. But yes, in some ways, I could continue as I am.

And just as I write that, I hear a faint whisper. A challenge. Ana stirs in my memory, a compelling and inviting picture of what I could be. What I have been. Just over a year ago I was at my lowest weight. The picture in my mind of that time is very strong. The size 4 jeans, the shrunken waist, protruding hips and ribcage. And I want it all over again.

Tomorrow I will be testing my limits. How low can you go? How long can you say no? Will it be diet coke or regular? On goes the list of small decisions that direct my path closer and closer to thin. It's an ongoing battle. Tomorrow I fight.

It's funny how the concerns of my day melt away when I write here. Just an hour ago I was nearly driven mad with the flurry of thoughts and feelings in my head after a discussion with Damian. A crashing wave of insecurity mixed with tortured love and unconditional loyalty. The only way to describe the overall feeling was that I was screaming inside. On fire.

One cigarette, 20 minutes of TV, half a poptart, and a blog post later, I feel ok.

And life goes on.

Stay strong everyone, I've missed you so.

~Kat

19 comments:

  1. Kat,

    I'm bashing your personal choices because someone has to. Reading the posts from Judah and Kate, it sounds like they are afraid to push you any further away. Maybe you are exaggerating like Judah said, I have no idea. I just read what you've written, and I see someone speeding towards a brick wall. I'm shouting for you to hit the brakes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yeah, that's the reason I didn't give the link to your blog right away - I wasn't sure if you wanted certain people to find you. But you seemed to imply you didn't care... so there you go!

    I don't understand the bashers and people like carport321 (who at least aren't insanely rude). People: you need to go read some books about Anorexia and Bulimia. You clearly are missing some of the facts. I'm not going to list them all here, but the numebr one this is this: warning any person with an ED not only does NOT work, it often makes the situation worse by triggering.

    Kat, I personally just want you to be happy. If you're at a content spot right now, that's awesome, and I hope you continue to work to maintain it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. carport321 you need to understand the full situation. You're looking from one side of the coin.
    In my family I struggle with ana and sometimes mia while I have recently learned my sister is bulimic. It's not a simple solution situation.
    Have you ever had an addiction or obsession? It doesnt just disappear.

    Kate is struggling with the aftermath of her ED and see's it being played out again with her sister. and the reason she can be so understanding and stand up for her? Because she's been there before like I have with my sister....

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mina Belle,

    Yes. I struggle daily. I hit rock bottom, and I've spent years clawing my way back up. I understand both sides of this coin. The problem never goes away. But it is possible to get on with your life. It is possible to live and be a productive member of society. And even if you are tempted every single day (I am), you do whatever it takes not to fall back into the pit.

    Do you know the people that I look back and appreciate now? The people in my family that chased after me and tried to stop me from self destructing. Kate and Judah deserve praise for what they are doing. They are trying to rescue Kat from herself. That is a GOOD thing.

    I don't care if you all think I am a bad guy. But read through the comments on Kat's first post. Most of the people there are enabling her. You're doing great by starving yourself. Good job throwing up today. That's what they're saying. Do you think that is the right response?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Not judging, but the only thing wrong with you post was the Pop-Tart. Ew. Spending 100 calories on a Pop Tart made of shit is gross. (a whole one is about 200) I get needing to eat a bit, but there is so much better you can do than a Pop Tart.... :P I almost threw up at the thought of all the sugar and saturated (bad) fat. /shudders...

    <3 anyways.

    The rest was a great post. I love what you said about making your story useful for others. And it is. People can use what you put out there, or not... but as long as its there, it can be a resource for those who need it for their chosen paths. I feel the same way. Some of us NEED to communicate and also know we NEED to understand. Communication helps understanding and vice versa.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm glad you're blogging again; I've missed you. I started blogging soon after you left, but I'd been reading for a long time.
    I have to admit, though, I've been following Kate, and she desperately loves you. It might not seem like it right now, but she does. Even if you don't change what you're doing, try to let her into your life, at least a little bit.
    I'm sure you'll do an incredible job of losing the weight. I'm a little scared for you, but I can't tell you to stop because that would be hypocritical. I think you should try to get off the drugs, though. That's SO bad for you. :( I'm only saying that because I want you to have a good life, & I don't think drugs will do that for you.
    We want you to be happy. That's what all of us want. Some of us have different ideas on what happiness means. If you can let go of Ana, do it. If you can't, I understand. I can't either.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Kat-
    I can see why some people might bash you. Because what you're doing is dangerous. We love you and want you to be safe, thats all. I'm sure you're really sick of hearing that kind of shit, but its true.
    So please be sensible. Take care so we can still have you around.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Glad to see you are back Kat, I used to follow you awhile back, then I stopped blogging for a bit and have since re surfaced as well.
    Sometimes it's just good to write, good to let out your feelings no matter if people agree or not, it's better than letting them eat you from the inside out.
    Stay strong, please keep blogging. Sometimes I think it's the only sane thing I do sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Obviously, if you know nothing about the disease, then why look for blogs such as this one. I never really get the bashers. It's so idiotic.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kat,
    I did miss you, even if I'm a teensy bit skeptical. Your blogs was one of the very first I'd ever read, and it was truly inspiring. I loved your style of writing, you really do have a gift.
    Please stay strong, for yourself and for all of us.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bah, fuck all the haters.
    Welcome back!
    I've never commented before, because I just got my first blog today, so you don't know me, but I just wanted to offer my support in whatever path you choose and my good chi, which I am sending your way <3

    If you ever get a chance, I'd love you to read my blog. You were one of the first blogs I ever read, and you've inspired me so much.

    ~Paix

    ReplyDelete
  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I don't understand people and the need to bash Ana's and Mia's and their so called 'destruction of themselves'. We are not getting into a car and driving off a bridge. We are not slitting our wrists with a razor blade. In all honesty yes we are doing damage, but we are recreating ourselves. With victory there are many sacrifices. With love comes hurt, with beauty comes pain. I don't understand the people like carport321( and no sweetie I'm not bashing you) and Kate and Judah. We are trying to find some way to love ourselves and rid ourselves of the person who is crule and horrible to us. I don't understand why people call us terrible things and make us out to be horrible people who are 'influencing' others to come to the dark side. As Ana's and Mia's we take care of each other give others love and support and tell those who aren't like us to run away. We aren't terrible people who are trying to kill ourselves. We are simply dreamers who wish to be the best version of us and rid ourselves of the evils we throw upon ourselves in moments of weakness. Kat you are not hurting people. I believe that without you the world of Ana and many poor torchured souls would be lost. You are not just a thinspiration and a great writer. To me you are a sister and possibly one of the greatest people who shall ever walk this earth. Thank you for your sharing your story with us and allowing us to see the world through your eyes. You have forever changed the meaning of the words sorrow, hurt, pain, love, joy, wisdom, anorexic, and caring. You are my savior.

    -Rachael

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'd say welcome back but I think that was probably meant for your previous post and besides I never knew you before now, though I've heard your name scattered through other blogs.

    So I guess this leaves hello, I'm sunshine and I'm glad I've finally got read your words Kate. You're infamous here.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi, i suppose this is kind of an introductory comment. I was reading your blog before kate took over. i never commented, but you are kind of the reason i started blogging a few months ago. i loved your blog. i'm looking forward to reading your new one too :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi, I'm Charr, never read your old blog but I've definitely heard of you. Welcome back :)

    Sorry I don't have anything all too intelligible to say, but I'm a hopeless romantic, and looking forward to hearing more about Damian :]

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm unwanted? Maybe. But, I suppose you can't choose your blog readers. There are people here who read what you write because they actually know you and love you... and not in the "xo stay strong, sweet" kind of way. Not like the people who THINK they know you from reading the select excerpts of your life that you choose to write about in this blog...

    Just be careful, hon. I love you like you can't imagine, no matter what.

    And I would be a sad person for the rest of my life if you died on the rave floor after taking some badly made shit. I live in a constant state of agony knowing that I could get that awful call any night.

    Just please be careful.
    I love you. In the real kind of way.

    Please call me.

    ReplyDelete
  18. i understand where you're coming from. i've been bashed and threatened for my eating disorder to the point where i started lying about recovery just to get everyone off my back. some people just are incapable of understanding. that's why this community exists. i'm still here for you whenever you wanna get back in contact. :)

    xoxoNikkioxox

    ReplyDelete